I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck.
I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was
made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I
make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar
bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough,
I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you
eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this
bulb". said, "I'll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light
on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What
are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have
no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays
strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told
me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with
a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a
cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter
said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle
riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
--- banks ---
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much
--- museums ---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy
With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been
done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
--- movies ---
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own
food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.
Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you
want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In
the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing
them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was
an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going
to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper
on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice,
can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating
cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."
So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open
24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me
if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up
to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything
I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said,
"You started this."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said,
"It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the
Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print
so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking
girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different
--- airplanes ---
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the
keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking
from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one
way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the
previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.
--- friends ---
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but
he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the
one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went
to the funeral in one car.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him.
The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through
New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all
your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars
I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money
and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go
over there and write misspelled words on them.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway
except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really
wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her
I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration
--- sleeping ---
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real
easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down
to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother
was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked,
"If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you
want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite
dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
--- pets ---
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony
named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis
accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her
out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call
him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
--- fishing ---
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.
--- chemistry ---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H,
one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up
his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
--- childhood ---
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It
said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to
me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went
from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at
this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet
for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child... Eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a
purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third;
I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until
he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older,
I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...
It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later
I can ask him what he meant.
Ever try to Scotch-guard a sponge?
I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body - a tattoo
of myself. Only taller.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle
where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.
I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when
out of town ... they mail it to me.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around
and sang Happy Birthday."
"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.
My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of
calling her back ... there it passed...
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the
When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out
this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run
in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down
the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you.
"License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License
and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings
back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a
fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's
another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was
just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help
you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like
to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years.
I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought
you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview
mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine
on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over.
They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both.
I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one
hour before getting out of the water?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing
hide & seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't
Вода, заказ воды Лубянка.
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled
at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience
cocoons in their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written
on their picket signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the
top one meant to be thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They
sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby,
I'm just having trouble breathing.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back
so many memories.
- There's a fine line between fishing & just
standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you
could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No." She said, "Okay,then forget it."
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with
my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said,
"The middle of August? Cool!"
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